A wise mentor told me that I can write about anything I want. And well, today, I need to write about my dysregulation, which is a result of my neurodivergence. In doing so, I hope that perhaps those who are unfamiliar with the challenges that some neurodivergent people face with dysregulation can become just a bit more aware.

About a week ago, I faced some personal challenges in changing a major part of my routine. Knowing that I face struggle significantly when my routine changes, this was not a change I entered into lightly. I had been planning for weeks—if not months—trying to anticipate what I needed to do and how that would work. Yet, despite my planning and preparation, things went wrong and I had a meltdown when the train started to go off the tracks. In fact, they went so awry that I risked losing something important to my routine for the last 20 years. I could not stop crying, pleading with those who could fix the issue that a swift resolution was needed, and all of this spiked my stress levels such that my nervous system remained on high alert for several days after.

My mind stayed foggy most of the week. My need to ruminate on a task before completing it grew. My anxiety took over, repeatedly telling me that something else would go wrong so I may as well not even try. My ability to recover from seemingly minor inconveniences was decimated, such that even small tasks paralyzed me. My skills in listening to students faltered and I had to have students repeat themselves in order to make sure I processed it correctly. My need to divert brain power to teach class meant that my post-class rest was extended, and this was particularly challenging on days I taught multiple times. My dysregulation created a perfect storm of skill backsliding.

Even as I write this, the dysregulation that I faced is still lingering.

Frankly, this kind of dysregulation does not happen often anymore. As I mentioned before, after learning the extent of my neurodivergence, I worked closely with my counselor to create a very controlled routine from how I structure my work day around student meetings to how I buy all the same types of clothes so that I don’t have to make a decision about what to wear (and save myself a spoon[1] while I am at it). All these streamlined processes were created when, during professional practice, my dysregulation was at its highest. Even after entering academia, this continued as burnout from masking 35 years of my life and made overcoming dysregulation continuingly difficult.

However, over the last couple of years, I have been better able to regulate my emotions and stress, carefully watching for when I noticed a peak of burnout or unfamiliar stress happening, and then taking time off to recover and get back into my routine. So, when the dysregulation happened so strongly this week, I was caught off guard.

Dysregulation can result from how your brain and nervous system respond to trauma or stress. Some common signs include irritability and mood swings, feelings of detachment or numbness, outbursts, shutting down or disconnecting from others, and challenges setting goals. Neurodivergent people learn skills to regulate their emotions through counseling, masking, or even trial and error, but even in the face of struggle, these skills can weaken, as they did for me in this instance.

Hopefully, understanding more about neurodivergent dysregulation and hearing a personal experience of it from a neurodivergent attorney and academic can help you better understand one of the challenges that many neurodivergent people face. If anything, I hope this helps you find empathy for others experiencing this and helps you recognize signs of it, so that you can direct those around you—be them colleagues, peers, students, or loved ones—to appropriate support resources.

(Erica M. Lux)

[1] The spoon theory of neurodivergence understands that neurodivergent and neurotypical people may have the same number of ‘spoons’ in a given day, but neurodivergent people will burn through them faster in a day completing even automatic or routine tasks.